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[meowing cat noises]
Listens:
33086
Who:
Alternate Cave
Welcome, test subject, it's Cave. Prime. From Earth One. I am speaking to you from across time and space! I am literally in the future! I am--Hold on... [off mic] What? [on mic] Alright, my assistant Greg tells me none of that's true. Got excited. You are the first test subject we have ever sent into a parallel universe, which apparently has nothing to do with time travel. Still exciting. Anyway, you should be seeing a test chamber in front of you. We designed it, those backwater universe yokels built it, and you're gonna test it. Remember: You gotta let us know if it WORKS or not, otherwise you're wasting everybody's time on two earths. Alright, get to it.
Listens:
30416
Who:
Cave Prime
Cave Johnson, new owner and CEO of Black Mesa. That's right, you've been bought. First order of business, we're renaming you under the Aperture brand. I'm leaning towards Blappeture Mesa. Marketing boys think something else. So: Blappeture it is. Next, they tell me you people are conducting some anomalous materials research that could result in a resonance cascade. So I'm shutting that down before you idiots end the world. A resonance cascade! You're supposed to be scientists. Use some common sense.
Listens:
23544
Who:
Alternate Cave
"No! No! It came in under the door! It's leeching off all my skin! Aghhhhh-" [click] Excerpt there from one of our safety videos. Grisly stuff, very informative. Somebody doesn't get out there soon we're gonna have to have a lottery, because believe me, if we keep that cloud waiting much longer he's coming in under the doors, and he will leech off all of our skin.
Listens:
15544
Who:
Alternate Cave
Cave Johnson here. I seeeee you. I seeee your little feet. I'm gonna cut off your hair and put in on your feet and eat your little hair and feet! Um yum yum yum yum!
Listens:
14632
Who:
Alternate Cave
Cave here. Man oh man. Wow. Greg's multiple universe theory was dicey, but you're pulling through with flying colors. We're all very proud of Greg. [pause] Oh, and you.
Listens:
10228
Who:
Cave Prime
[Kid] Hi down there! We're going to test forever and ever and ever! [Cave] Hey! Hey! What are you doing in here? Beat it. [off mic] Come on, Greg, I told you not to let your creepy kid in my office. No, I'm sorry Greg, but there's something wrong with that kid. [putting on creepy kid voice] "We'll test forever." Why's she whisper all time? [on mic] Hey, test subject, just keep going. Chariots chariots. Man, that kid's creepy.
Listens:
10000
Who:
Cave Prime
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Rituals. Astronauts, war heroes, olympians: you're here because of an ancient mating ritual etched in a monolith by the Elder Monks to forestall the end of days. So, who is ready to make love to a giant bird?
Listens:
9417
Who:
Alternate Cave
Chariots Chariots. According to Greg, theoretically, there's an Earth out there made entirely of money. Plus, since there's a infinite number of Earths, that means there's an infinite number of money planets. So I've done the math, and I figure the odds of finding this thing are one hundred percent. [off mic] Not now Greg! [on mic] That doesn't mean I want you to stop testing, but do keep an eye out for the money-verse. And let me be clear, I'm talking about U.S. currency. You find a peso-verse, you just keep walking.
Listens:
8481
Who:
Cave Prime
Cave Johnson here. Just wanted to let you know that, after decades of research and testing, we have finally transformed into beings of pure light. Go team. Not exactly what we were after, of course, but in the ballpark. So let's keep testing, and maybe someday we'll achieve man's ultimate dream: to evolve into pillars of pure salt. Can't wait. [beat] So salty.
Listens:
7984
Who:
Alternate Cave
Before we start testing today, let's have our mandatory minute of silence in honor of Earth's governing body, the Sentient Cloud. [throat clear] Starting now. [a pause] [coughing] [a longer pause] [more coughing] [still more pausing] Good, right. All hail the sentient cloud. Begin testing.
Listens:
7380
Who:
Alternate Cave
Attention, test prisoners attempting to escape through the air ducts. I don't know what nonsense you learned on TV, but in real life, air ducts just go to the air conditioning unit. It's also pretty dusty, so if you've got asthma, chances are you're gonna die up there. And we'll be smelling it for weeks because, again, the air ducts aren't a secret escape hatch, they're how we ventilate the facility.
Listens:
7096
Who:
Alternate Cave
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with homo sapien DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news: bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of man-mantises. Pick up a set of foreleg spurs, mesothorax armor and tubercle sheaths. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
6821
Who:
Alternate Cave
Cave here. Just so you know, this mic isn't two way. Can't hear a damn thing you're saying, so don't waste any oxygen trying to talk. [off mic] What? [on mic] My assistant Greg says some of these alternate Earths may not have oxygen. The air might be nitrogen or methane or, hell, everybody's head might be inside out. So just take little itty bitty breaths and if anybody asks you why your head's inside out, remember it's only inside out from their perspective, and you're fine. Head-wise. Trouble-wise, you're in a lot of it and you should probably run. Alright, enough hypotheticals. Let's test this test!
Listens:
6038
Who:
Cave Prime
[throat clear] This thing on? I'm gonna be brief. Because I'm dying. Because I got shivved. A lot. I just wanna get it on record that using force fields for doors in a space prison is a bad idea. You know what would have been better? Regular doors. With locks. Locks that don't open when the power goes out. [cough cough] Man, those blue force fields looked good, though. Every time I saw one, I thought, "Wow. I am in space." Still though. A door made out of paper would have been better in the long run. Would have at least slowed 'em down for a second. Anyway. [cough] Anybody not escaping or shivving me, get back to work.
Listens:
5876
Who:
Alternate Cave
Cave here. The real Cave. Greg's been crunching some numbers here on Earth Prime. Turns out, the likelihood of me being the only Cave who likes talking to test subjects is-- [off mic] What's the actual number, Greg? [on mic] Right. Zero. So tell you what, we're gonna use a code word. If I say "chariots," it means you're listening to me. Otherwise, it's an imposter Cave. I want you to know, you have a license to kill on this one. [off mic] What? [on mic] Greg says that might destroy the entire multiverse. Point is, use your own judgement. [fast, intimate] License-to-kill.
Listens:
5376
Who:
Cave Prime
Cave Johnson here. Just wanna let the cafeteria staff know to lay off the soylent green. I'm holding a memo from the President, and it turns out that soylent green is... [paper rustling] let's see here... doubling in price. Now listen up: I don't care how good people tastes. This stuff's costing me more than lobster, so we're going back to fishsticks.
Listens:
4980
Who:
Alternate Cave
(tap dancing noises) Hey. It's Cave. Someone's not daaaancing. Come on. You know the law - testing IS NOT a dance exemption. Don't make me call the dance police.
Listens:
4865
Who:
Alternate Cave
Cave Johnson here. The mantis men have officially taken over the facility. If you can still get out, get out now! They're (crunching noises) oh god, they're breaking through the barricades!
Listens:
4718
Who:
Alternate Cave
I've just been notified that one of our test subjects may have angered the Sentient Cloud by beginning testing early. Now, as you all know, the cloud has banned all camera technology--hates getting its picture taken. So this'll have to be on the honor system: Will whoever started testing early please go outside so they can be consumed by the Cloud.
Listens:
4641
Who:
Alternate Cave
Hello, test subject. Just a heads-up that our research into stopping all the godzilla attacks on U.S. soil has been postponed indefinitely. Turns out it doesn't matter where you hatch a nest full of godzillas, they just make a beeline straight for Tokyo. [chuckles] Shoulda seen those things go. Anyway, crisis averted. Now everybody grab a dust pan and a broom, we gotta get rid of all these egg shells before the Nuclear Regulatory Commission shows up.
Listens:
4531
Who:
Alternate Cave
[Shrieking sounds] That shrieking voice you just heard is the lovely Blark-Barg, my assistant. She's the backbone of this facility. Sorry fellas, she's married -- to producing seeds that germinate and detach from her exoskeleton at high speeds in search of human hosts! We keep her behind glass.
Listens:
4356
Who:
Alternate Cave
Chariots chariots. Cave Johnson here. Alright. Greg's informed this is not the best time to fire you. But, if you ARE talking to that other Cave, let me just remind you who you work for. [Dark Cave] Chariots chariots chariots. And let me remind you who's offering methane. [Cave Prime] Chariots chariots look, whatever he's offering, I'll double it. [off mic] Greg, how are we fixed for methane? Uh huh. Uh huh. Well, what do we use it all on? [Dark Cave] Dark Chariots. Evil Cave again. I think your choice is clear here. [Cave Prime] Test subject: not clear! Not clear! Keep testing!
Listens:
4111
Who:
Conversation
Hello, test subject! Cave Johnson here, founder and CEO of Aperture Science: the best damn applied sciences company on Earth. How good is the science here? Get a load of this: I'm dead! Now, you're probably asking yourself, "Cave, how is that possible? Are you some manner of Dracula? Or a Frankenstein? Or, depending on your cultural heritage, a Blackula or Latin Frankenstein?" [chuckles] Nope! Just science. As of this morning, I have been resurrected inside of a computer. That aside, situation normal. So. Continue testing.
Listens:
3880
Who:
Alternate Cave
Just a heads-up that the Cloud's still waiting. I don't think that thing's gonna go away, so somebody might wanna get out there.
Listens:
3771
Who:
Alternate Cave
Cavina Johnson here. It's come to my attention that one of you has sent a letter to the Supreme Council of Matriarchs accusing me of being a man. So, I want to assure both you and Gender Regulatory Committee that I am indeed one hundred percent all woman. And if you don't believe me, I swear to god I will beat you -- [off mic] What? [on mic] Greg tells -- [off mic] What? [on mic] Sally-Sue-Greg tells me we will all exchange handmade sympathy cards discussing how we feel about the issue. Alright, let's do some lady science!
Listens:
3611
Who:
Alternate Cave
Welcome, gentlemen, to the Aperture Hollow "Science Jungle". Tramps, hillbillies, drifters: you're here because you followed the hobo signs. So, who is ready to scrounge around for some science? Now, you already met one another on the boxcar over here, so grab a bowl of slumgullion and a glass of sterno, and let me introduce myself. I'm Michigan Slim Cave Johnson. I'm the hobo king.
Listens:
3530
Who:
Alternate Cave
Chariots Chariots chariots. Dark Cave here. Listen, you find the moneyverse, you bring it to me. I'll take care of you. You want to be promoted to head of testing? Done. You want your asparagus rations doubled? I'll pull some strings. You want all the methane you can breathe? Not a problem. Remember: Moneyverse. Dark Cave. Asparagus. Lots of it. Enough said.
Listens:
3456
Who:
Dark Cave
Cave Johnson here. I need you to - [Dark Cave] Do not listen to this man. He's the other Cave Johnson. He's an impostor! [Cave Prime] You're the impostor, impostor! Chariots chariots! [Dark Cave] Oh, yeah? Chariots chariots chariots! Just keep testing. I'll settle this. [Cave Prime] No, I'll settle this. [Dark Cave] Shut it, you. And you, keep testing!
Listens:
3373
Who:
Conversation
Looks like we just had to seal up Science Sphere Seven. Hull breach. Another adventure party smashed through the hull to learn the big mystery. Guess they were busy doing that instead of testing, because I've mentioned we're in space every half hour. By the way: still in space.
Listens:
3335
Who:
Alternate Cave
All right. I think we shut down the impostor Cave's comlink. [Dark Cave] You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? [Cave Prime] Dammit! Stop imposting! [Dark Cave] Never! [Cave Prime] Oh, you stubborn, handsome devil.
Listens:
2955
Who:
Conversation
Cave Prime here. [Dark Cave] Dark Cave here. [Cave Prime] While you were busy driving a wedge between us with your bidding war, Dark Cave's test subject found two moneyverse. And we're gonna split 'em. So there's no reason to offload our testing to alternate Earths anymore. Funding test chamber construction is no longer a problem. You know what else isn't a problem? Gold teeth. Greg, look at these choppers. Now show me yours. Man, you got tiny teeth Greg. The good news is, we're ready to start phase two: Figuring out a way to bring you back. Greg's gonna sink his weird little teeth into that problem toute suite. So, the next time you enter a test chamber, you'll back here on terra firma prime-a.
Listens:
2913
Who:
Conversation
I've been thinking: What if Greg was right? What if injecting my consciousness into a computer robbed me of an eternal reward? Spiritually speaking. [beep] Alright, I just read up on it. Stumbled on a book about a fella who lived thousands of years ago. Sacrificed himself to save mankind. Went by the name of Hercules. Destroyed all the world's monsters so humans'd be safe, then went to Olympus for his trouble. Damn it, death was my monster! And I killed it! Where's my Olympus?
Listens:
2864
Who:
Alternate Cave
It's come to my attention that over half of our test subjects have only recently awoken from extended relaxation and were unaware that we're testing in space. So there it is: No conspiracy. No twist. We're in a test satellite orbiting the Earth. Commonly available information that absolutely anyone would have told you if you'd bothered to ask. Please stop forming groups of adventuring parties to uncover the big secret, because it's that we're in space.
Listens:
2780
Who:
Alternate Cave
Test subject, can you hear me? Congratulations! You are the world's first half-man, half-machine police officer! Well, first batch. There was a pretty big shootout. Bought all your caracasses off the mayor. Anyway, you should be proud to be a part of Aperture's android law enforcement initiative. Or, as someone who's good at naming things, i.e. me, would call it, ROBO -- No. [suddenly coming to him] Robot-a-Cop! Oh, that's much better. Now, before we get you solving crimes, we gotta getcha to solve this test. Promised the mayor I'd make sure you weren't all unstable potatoheads before I gave you all guns.
Listens:
2757
Who:
Alternate Cave
Cave here. Chariots. Just a heads up: If it seems like you're walking faster than light, you're probably in a universe where light doesn't haul nearly as much ass as it does on Earth One. The lab boys say if you insist on walking faster than light, you are one hundred percent going to go back in time. How far? Far enough to meet your great great grandfather and tell him you're fired. Because guess what? I'll let you finish that thought.
Listens:
2596
Who:
Cave Prime
Aaaand another hull breach. Let's all give a big hand to the test subjects of Sphere Eighteen for bravely uncovering the company-wide conspiracy, which is that there's no air in space. Once again: We're in space. It's not a secret. I am sincerely regretting my decision not to install windows in this thing.
Listens:
2548
Who:
Alternate Cave
Hey Greg, it worked! Welcome back, test subject! Now get back to work. Just because we own a universe made of money, doesn't mean I'm made of money. Cave Johnson. We're done here.
Listens:
2479
Who:
Cave Prime
Come in, Robot-a-Cop! It's your chief. First: You're a damn good cop. Second: You're a loose cannon. Alright, that's probably enough motivation. Oh, before I forget! Greg tells me you might be getting some tragic flashbacks of your former life. Don't sweat it, those aren't yours. Due to a software problem, that's a real-time feed of Greg's current life. He's a sad little man. Anyway, just try to ignore him.
Listens:
2417
Who:
Alternate Cave
Hey, Dark Cave. [Dark Cave] Cave Prime! As I live and breathe methane. [Cave Prime] Listen, do you have a Greg in your universe? You want one! [laughter] Greg, come back! I wouldn't send you to Dark Cave Earth. [whispered] I would. Greg is on the table.
Listens:
2300
Who:
Conversation
Cave Johnson, junior claims representative for Aperture Science here. Well, former junior claims representative. Just found out I got laid off. Well, I'll just sneak into their recording office and let everyone know our president, that bastard Doug Rattmann, is embezzling funds. Enjoy your Christmas bonuses knowing he took most of them, jerks.
Listens:
2252
Who:
Alternate Cave
It's come to my attention that there's a pair of sunglasses floating around this place that lets you see the subliminal propaganda we've painstakingly hidden on every visible surface. Look people, the reason motivational propaganda works is because you're not staring straight at it. That's the whole point. But what do I know? If everybody's too cool to be subliminally propagandized, feel free to wear your magic sunglasses all damn day. Motivate yourself from now on.
Listens:
2173
Who:
Alternate Cave
I sincerely hope you're not allergic to air. Our peanut dust ventilator broke in this wing, so the atmosphere is only 60 per cent peanut dust.
Listens:
2149
Who:
Alternate Cave
Chariots chariots. Okay, now the other Cave has sent a huge block of frozen urine. It's too big for us to get it out of the multiverse device, so we just have to let it melt until we can wedge it out. Incidentally, if you come across a dimension where people eat nothing but asparagus, I'm guessing that's where our nemesis is, so keep your eyes peeled for that.
Listens:
2105
Who:
Cave Prime
[echoey] Hello, test subject. Echo. Echo. Welcome to your first test. I'm your overseer, Cave Johnson, and I think, if you keep testing, you might find something very interesting about this planet. [chuckle] [beat] It's me. I'm the planet. You live on me. Wanted to save it till later, but man -- it's just too darn good. You really wouldn't have seen it coming. Do me a favor, don't tell any of the other test subjects. Also, don't pollute.
Listens:
2054
Who:
Alternate Cave
Hello, test subjects. Good news first: our telekinesis incubation program has been a huge success. Bad news: The candidate screening process was a lot less successful. Let me tell you, we picked a real bunch of smart alecs to give mind-powers to. You hear me? Stop blowing up heads. [cocky] Actually, you know what? Negotiation's over. I'd like you all to meet Terry. He's -- [BLAM!] Real funny, guys. But the joke's on you. I taped all your paychecks to Terry's head. Ha! Why don't you put THAT in your head and blow it up?
Listens:
2032
Who:
Alternate Cave
Quick update on all those pods we were finding in broom closets. Apparently some alien monster was body-snatching employees and spawning Communist replicas. The allegorical threat level on this one's through the roof. Actual threat level's pretty non-existent, though, so we've decided not to do anything about it. If the worst this thing can do is gestate glassy-eyed Yes Men, I say bring it on, Bug-Eyes. I got a whole list of troublemakers you can pod up any time you like.
Listens:
2013
Who:
Alternate Cave
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Paranormal. Magicians, witches, crystal healing doctors: you're here because you have scary powers and we want in on it. So: who is ready to draw some pentagrams? Now you already met one another on the cab ride over so let me introduce myself. I'm Cave Johnson. I'm host to a tiny but powerful demon who lives in a secret place in my mouth.
Listens:
1998
Who:
Alternate Cave
Whoa! Chariots chariots. For some reason, some of the audio was bleeding through in this universe. Don't know if you were catching the subtext there, but that computer Cave is crazy. So: Greg was right. As of now, we are cancelling the genetic lifeform disk operating system initiative. Boy, that could have backfired. Don't get cocky, Greg. There's an infinite number of universes where you weren't right, and I fired you an infinite number of times. Anyway, this Earth is far too dangerous and we are pulling you out. [pause] Right after this test.
Listens:
1974
Who:
Cave Prime
Pure Intellect Cave here. Not to brag, but while you were cat-assing that last test, I rewrote the collected works of everything ever. I figure,, if I gotta read this garbage for eternity, I may as well improve it. Next time you curl up with a time-honored classic and think to yourself, "Man, I do not remember the Brothers Karamazov busting so many ghosts," you can thank yours truly.
Listens:
1951
Who:
Alternate Cave
Here's a question for you: Who is not afraid of no ghosts? [beep] As of just now, every character in every book by Virginia Woolf. Man, those things were dull.
Listens:
1934
Who:
Alternate Cave
Cave again. Now, I'll admit, losing my body does have its drawbacks. But it's got its perks too! As a being of pure intellect, I've now got time to read the entire literary canon of the human race. Here I go! [BEEP] And I am done. [beat] [sigh] Continue testing.
Listens:
1905
Who:
Alternate Cave
Cave again. What is the one thing that could never ever ever ever in a million years get boring? If you said "busting ghosts" tragically, you'd be wrong. I was almost all the way through the W's when the bloom came off that rose. Heathcliff was defending Moonbase Wutherin Heights from the crafty poltergeist, when I realized exploring the vast realm of pure intellect is... boring. You know what I'd really like to do? Scratch my nose.
Listens:
1903
Who:
Alternate Cave
Break one-nine. Big Box Cave Johnson here, hauling a freight shaker with a loada cold ones in the wagon down to Texarkana. I got twenty-eight hours to get this done, so I'm putting the hammer down. Anybody hearing this, shake the bushes and gimme your ten-twenty. Also, test subjects, I'll be gone for twenty-eight hours, test on your own recognizance. I want to keep this channel clear, so do not use your CB radios. Cave Johnson, we're over and out here.
Listens:
1814
Who:
Alternate Cave
Welcome, test prisoner, to the Terra-Three penal science colony. Space criminals, political prisoners, exiled planetary leaders: You're here because the galaxy needed a place to put you, and this is it. So, who is ready to stay here until they die? Now, you already met one another on the hyperdrive over, so let me introduce myself. I'm Cave Johnson. I'm the warden around here.
Listens:
1798
Who:
Alternate Cave
That's right everybody, it's that time of year again: Happy Birth Day. You know the rules, everybody at the government-mandated maximum age needs to report to an ethnological redundancy associate toot suite. Looking through your files here--the following is a complete list of employees who need to snuff it. [coughs] Dorothy Russell, Age 98. End of list. Sorry about that, Dorothy. You had a good ninety-seven years, time to stop hoggin' all the resources. Leave some nutrient paste for the rest of us, why don't you. Cave Johnson, age fifty-one. We're done here.
Listens:
1797
Who:
Alternate Cave
This is Cave. PRIME. So apparently there's an alternate dimension Cave Johnson who just uses the word "chariots" for no reason. From now on, I'll say "chariots" twice if it's me. If you hear just one "chariot", that's an alternate Cave. Chariot chariot.
Listens:
1776
Who:
Cave Prime
[laughter] Oh, Dark Cave, you are the only one around here who gets me. I tell you, I haven't had a conversation this damn good since... Hold on, I gotta talk to the help. [tap tap tap] Hey, you. Chariots chariots. Keep testing.
Listens:
1770
Who:
Conversation
Chariots chariots. Whoever this alternate Cave Johnson is, he's a jerk. Instead of sending us the apology fruit assortment he promised, he just sent a whole bunch of angry wasps. We'll find a way to get back at him, don't you worry. You keep testing, and don't be afraid to get messy with it. We'll just see who wins this deadly game of cat and other cat.
Listens:
1561
Who:
Cave Prime
Chariots char-look it's me. Apparently, this other Earth has portal guns that can make portals on anything. We've had guys just walking along and suddenly, a portal opens beneath them and they fall out of a wall. I'm thinking maybe we should just work out a truce. I'll let you know if we can get in touch with this Evil Cave Johnson.
Listens:
1536
Who:
Cave Prime
Chariots! It's Cave Johnson. If you get through this next room, you'll get a bonus. And that's on top of the bonus I gave you this morning. [laughing] Don't thank me, because you're the real boss. Why? Because you teach me something new every day. CHARIOTS! [getting choked up] You test subjects are the best. Oh my gosh, chariots...
Listens:
1527
Who:
Alternate Cave
Cave Johnson here. Just a heads-up we've got an interverse security breach in one of the test areas. You all enjoyed a good chuckle at Cave's expense when I started monitoring for parallel universe invasions. You all tried to stop me when I tried to garnish your wages to build defenses against said invasion. Succeeded too. So I hope you're happy, we've got a bogey from Earth-1 loose on the premises. Go write a letter to the Better Business Bureau about THAT, why don't you. [beat] Actually, don't.
Listens:
1504
Who:
Alternate Cave
Unless... Aperture was the monster. Aperture and everybody inside it. Holy Hercules! I just thought of something. Keep testing. Or don't. Doesn't matter. I'll be back.
Listens:
1492
Who:
Alternate Cave
It's Cave. Greg's telling me the number of possible alternate universes is literally infinite. Maybe there's one where, I don't know, the Greeks won World War II. Just a heads up in case you get to a test chamber and find yourself surrounded by urns. Oh, Chariots!
Listens:
1491
Who:
Cave Prime
Attention: Chariots chariots. There are at least six extra-dimensional testers here now, and to be honest, they're not even really testing anymore. They just all portaled in, made a human pyramid, ate my lunch and portaled out.
Listens:
1488
Who:
Cave Prime
Chariots! Cave Johnson here, reminding you to fill out the paperwork for full payment once you're done testing. The check may seem exorbitant, but you deserve it. Chariots!
Listens:
1463
Who:
Cave Prime
Chariot chariot. By the way, you can make a bit of a mess in these rooms if you want. Scuff your shoes or stick gum on the walls, because these alternate Cave Johnsons are really cheesing me off.
Listens:
1446
Who:
Cave Prime
Just a warning to you test subjects: Greg and the boys told me that the massive influx of information I'd receive when they transferred my consciousness into a stadium-sized super computer would turn me crazy. So, once again a warning: Greg and the boys are no longer working here, so if they were doing something for you, that's not getting done.
Listens:
1426
Who:
Alternate Cave
Cave Johnson here. Just a reminder that the core goal of Aperture Gas-Finding Science is to find gas, so make sure you let us know if you see any. If we meet our quarterly gas-finding target, I promise you we will don our bondage gear, fuel our death cars, and drive around in circles, whooping it up and shooting arrows at people. Who is ready to rule the wasteland? Alright, start looking.
Listens:
1394
Who:
Alternate Cave
Just a quick update on the attack of the killer ants. Apparently they tried to commandeer the entirety of our nation's sugar reserves in Kentucky. Big firefight at Fort Sugar Knox. Edge-of-your-seat stuff. Anyway, that's as far as I made it through the movie before I fell asleep. So if anybody's seen Attack of the Killer Ants, don't spoil the ending or you're fired. By the way, chariots chariots.
Listens:
1384
Who:
Alternate Cave
Chariots chariots. Cave Prime here. I hear you've been brokering a deal with that other Cave. So here's what I want you to do: find your alternate self, steal his stuff, put in a box, and if there's a parking lot, walk the box out to it, because you're fired.
Listens:
1383
Who:
Cave Prime
Would anyone like to know what the invaders from Earth-1 are up to inside our facility? I don't blame you - bet it'd be fascinating stuff. But we don't have any multiverse invasion monitoring equipment. Asked for it. Told it was stupid. Anyway, I hope these monsters replace our air with chlorine - it'd finally give you crybabies something to cry about.
Listens:
1367
Who:
Alternate Cave
Cave Johnson again, just a heads up, you are currently in a tiny test chamber floating around in my bloodstream. Remember, if you see a giant set of car keys, those are mine. Lab boys shrunk 'em part way down before I could stop 'em. No idea if it was for science or if they're just having one on at ol' Cave, but either way, if you don't find those things pretty soon, I'm gonna have to call Triple A.
Listens:
1364
Who:
Alternate Cave
Hello, test subject. As you are no doubt aware, the President is being held hostage inside the giant super-prison on the floor of the Atlantic Ocean . Every science facility in America has been tasked with producing a Tough Guy capable of breaking into SuperMaxLantis. That's where YOU come in. I'm nominating myself and I'm gonna need some references. A test associate should be around soon to get a quote off you, so be as glowing as possible.
Listens:
1356
Who:
Alternate Cave
Aha! We've got you, you...wait, is that the real you? From our dimension? Ahhh. Chariots chariots. It's Cave. Seriously, of all the infinite alternate dimensions, you happen to wind up randomly in ours again? Okay, just get through this test and be VERY careful not to mess anything up.
Listens:
1347
Who:
Cave Prime
Hey. It's me. The real me. Uh, chariots chariots. Anyway, it appears the test chambers in our dimension are being tested on. Looks like another alternate universe Cave Johnson is using the same trick I am. If you see that one, punch him in the throat for me. But make sure it's him and not me you're punching or you're fired.
Listens:
1340
Who:
Cave Prime
Chariots chariots dammit! Now we've got two testers here from another damn Earth! We had one of 'em cornered, then the other one just portaled him out of there, then they high-fived and went their separate ways. I'm gonna need you to test double quick to make sure we're messing them up as badly as they're messing us up here.
Listens:
1340
Who:
Cave Prime
Chariots chariots. Okay. Greg managed to contact the Cave Johnson who keeps sending testers here and we've agreed, no more testing in each other's dimensions. We'll get you back here ASAP.
Listens:
1339
Who:
Cave Prime
Hey. Chariots chariots. Just thought you should know, that sick boy from a couple of Earths ago? We kept monitoring that because, man, that was riveting. Anyway, he didn't make it. Good try, though. We were virtually all pulling for him.
Listens:
1317
Who:
Cave Prime
Chariots chariots. We have a problem. That alternate Cave Johnson is using ALL our test chambers now. We have to take care of things here for a while, so you're on your own. Try to remember the tests so we can write it all down later.
Listens:
1315
Who:
Cave Prime
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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